Until We Meet Again

Wow, we're now approaching the end of the year and yet the last post that I wrote was in the beginning of September. I've been meaning to continue writing what was postponed, but I feel like I need to spill this one first before I could continue to others.

Many things happened since I wrote the last post. One of those things is:

My mom passed away.

Losing her was actually on the #1 of the list of things I scared the most. I always thought that my mom would die peacefully in her sleep, in her 70ies or 80ies, on a beautiful morning. We'll find her peacefully sleeping in her bed, with a hint of smile on her beautiful face.

Sad scene. But that was the very best case that I could think of. Never thought that what we'd experienced is entirely the other way around.

Mom was dying of cancer.

Little did I know, cancer is like a lottery that ANYONE (yes, capital) could get. People were shocked when they know that mom got cancer. Mom has always been the healthiest and strongest one. She ate and cooked healthy dishes, she hated meat, she did sports every morning - rarely absence. She looked much younger compared to other woman on her age. And yet she got this pancreatic cancer out of nowhere. The dangerous one :(

When my mom first called me on the mid of August, saying that she felt something wrong in her stomach, I cried all day. We didn't know the disease yet but I couldn't help to imagine all the worst things that could possibly happened.

After the big surgery, my brother's wedding (the saddest wedding I've ever been because mom was currently in the ICU on the wedding day), countless nights at the hospital, countless medication and blood test, many many flights from Jakarta to Medan back and forth, and many tears - finally our battle has to be ended.

November 2nd, 02:45 - mom breathed her last breath with me & Junda besides her.

We tried our best but God always has the better plan.

I couldn't cry when doctor told me that she had gone forever. I strangely felt a bit of relieved, knowing that now she is free, from the pain. 

It's been 54 days since she left us. Never a day goes by without me thinking of her. Guess she never really left, since I still could feel her presence everywhere - on my bed sheets that she sewn before my wedding, on the building that I pass everyday I go to the office - where I stayed with her when she had a training in Jakarta, on the kitchen appliances that she gave to me, on her recipes that I cook, and inside of me - on the things that I believed, on the values that I carry, and in the way I act, think, and behave.

It's been hard to not talk to her, since I talk to her very frequently on the phone or text, and to think that she would no longer read what I post in this blog (or would she?).

But what keeps me going is knowing and believing that she should be fine up there, finally reuniting and having a good time with my grands and aunty :)

And I couldn't wait to join the gank, when the time comes. Until we meet again, mom :)